Numb
by RedgeandLilly
Summary: A songfic from Alloran's pov starts at the Andalite Chronicles and ends at book 54. Set to 'Numb' By Linkin Park. I do not and never will own Animorphs. Property of K.A. Applegate. Just thought I'd put that out there.


A disgrace. To protect the people's arrogance. As if that really needed protecting. . . to protect the self-righteous image of ourselves we held so dear. Can't let the people know that Andalites are capable of such a thing. I knew this when I saw such surprise in the aristh's eyes when I voiced my opinions of the electorate.

_**Tired of being what you want me to be . . . feeling so faithless, lost under the **_

_**surface . . .**_

Lost on the barren wasteland that was the Taxxon homeworld. Watching dumbstruck as the human offered the freedom of his people to the Yeerks in exchange for his life. Watched the shrewd eyes of the Sub-Visser as he saw what I saw in the human. The Sub-Visser's face split into a wide, malicious smile, an evil expression.

_**Don't know what you're expecting of me, put under the pressure of walking in your **_

_**shoes . . .**_

He would not tolerate the aristh's insolence again. Did he not know what a chance this was? How many sentient creatures could be saved from a life of slavery and oppression? Fire. I ordered Aristh Elfangor for a second time.

_**Caught in the undertow, Just caught in the undertow . . . **_

The Abomination. That is what they call me now. At least I had a name before. Now I am a symbol. An object of fear and hatred across the galaxy. People call me Visser Three. No one differentiates between me and the parasite that has stolen my mind. Esplin 9466 of the Sulp Niar pool . . .

_**Every step that I take is another mistake to you . . . **_ __

I see everything, feel it, as he uses my legs to run. Focuses my eyes where he wants them to focus. Watch as he enslaves races one by one. Esplin is enjoying himself as he watches the StarSword struggle futilely. All their fighters have been dispatched and they have no other defensive capabilities online. A hork-bajir Controller reports that an Andalite fighter pilot would like to speak with the Visser . . .

_**Caught in the undertow, Just caught in the undertow . . .**_

The dome fell into the atmosphere, flames licking at its surface. The inertial dampeners would slow its descent making it less noticeable to any humans. I felt loss for the hundred or so andalite warriors who had lost their lives when the ship had imploded. And when I had thought the Yeerks could take no more from me . . .

_**I've become so numb. . . I can't feel you there, . . become so tired, . . . so much more **_

_**aware . . . **_

Free for now, at least for an hour or so. While Esplin fed, I savored the feeling of clenching and unclenching my fists. Too weak to do any damage to the guards on either side of the cage and my tail was bound securely. I smiled, a faint ghost of the proud expression it had once been, remembering how they had not always done so . . . I had almost been free of him forever. Screams echo in the pool complex. I want to tell them it is useless to scream, that their protests do them no good in the end. But I stay silent, the guards are unlocking the cage, and here come three more days of hell . . .

_**I'm becoming this . . . all I want to do, . . . Is be more like me . . . and be less like **_

_**you. . . **_

"Ask Iniss 226 if I will fight for my daughter." Chapman had said. Chapman, the human who had, unknowingly, sold his species to the Yeerks. I could not bring myself to hate him, he was a collaborator yes, but he had guaranteed his daughter at least two or three more years of freedom. I wondered if I would have done the same thing. I thought of my eldest daughter Vestana, and my little Allora . . . Esplin, in a particularly nasty mood played one of his favorite fantasies just to stop my train of thought. In this fantasy my daughters cried as the were dragged screaming to the Yeerk pool . . .

Stop it! I shouted. I retaliated the only way I could. I pictured one of the Andalite Bandits cutting his head off. Iniss was back in control, and as usual was making excuses.

Do you think this Andalite never resists? The Visser said in a dangerous voice. _Resists and fails._ He thought. Very amusing, before I was infested I never would have guessed that Vissers actually give themselves what the humans call 'Pep talks'

_**Can't you see that you're smothering me? Holding too tightly . . . afraid to lose **_

_**control . . .**_

Kill me. I manage to gasp through the pain. Free from my oppressor again, but too weak to morph, too weak even to lift my own tail and end it all right here. The poison is too slow... yoalin how I wish it were lethal. . . I see shock and indecision in the aristh's face. I must make him see! Kill me before he takes me over again. Please, I beg, desperate. Please kill me. I saw sadness in his eyes.

I may have already have killed you my friend, His voice is gentle now, filled with sadness. Never before had I heard his thought-speak like this. The few times I had heard him speak his thought-speak had been full of hate. The snake . . .

No you don't understand, I say my voice coming slower I couldn't focus right . . .

Visser Three has backup forces ready. They'll be here in minute. Half a dozen bug fighters. They'll keep this body alive, your poison is too slow. His face was torn a strange mixture of emotions.

I. . . but you're an Andalite. I can't kill you. He too sounded desperate. He was so young. . . And he reminded me of someone. Someone from long ago . . .

He'll take me again. The despair was crushing me now. The Yeerks will find him and bring me to him again. The thought of going back now, now that there was a possibility of never having to have him _in_ me again was beyond torturous. Please, I begged again. I can't live that way . . . please. The things I've seen . . . you don't understand. Its horrible. I tried to raise my tailblade to my throat but the poison had weakened my muscles.

I understand. I said. Perhaps . . . perhaps he could give word to my family. . . if he survived. Listen my name is . . . what is my name? Its been so long, and the poison . . . Alloran my brain supplied. My name is Alloran-Semitur-Corrass. I was once a war prince. Someday. . . someday, if you survive . . . I have a wife. I have two children . . . someday . . .tell them I still hope. . . tell them I still have love for them. . . He told me he would, asked if I had anymore orders for him. I tried to give my final warning but blackness rose to claim me.

_**Cause everything that you thought I would be is falling apart right in front of you . . . **_

Esplin was unbearably smug. He had finally caught one of the andalites. It was in the same steel cage that enclosed the unconscious human Farrand. He had guards stationed to shoot anything that came out of the box large or small. He had still not forgotten the snake incident. But when they opened the box there was a small black and white mammal no larger than a cat. It had its back to us. Esplin found this very amusing, he scoffed at the andalite little did he know . . .

_**Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow, every step that I take is another mistake to you. . . .**_

Esplin watched as the boy, Elfangor's son, stormed away. Esplin was disappointed in this human child, Tobias. He should have at least tried to live up to his father's reputation. At least tried to _be_ something . . . Esplin had come to have a grudging respect for Elfangor over the years. He fought bravely, was always the last standing. Trying to do one last thing to gain penance for that one mistake. The mistake that had started it all. Alloran could forgive Elfangor for what had happened, but he could never forget . . .

_**Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow, and every second I waste is more than I can take . . .**_

A yeerk traitor. Aftran 942 going to be tortured and killed for not wanting to take someone else's freedom, for not wanting to hear their screams of desperation, feel their hate for the parasite that had stolen their mind, or the utter despair of the hopeless.

And you would be option four. Esplin sneered at me. Ugh, filthy yeerk. But the insult was not sufficient to stop my train of thought.

Why? I asked him my mental voice a mixture of anger and sadness. Why must you destroy the only Yeerks who care about their hosts?

Vouching for a Yeerk Alloran? I never thought I'd see the day. Why? Because I enjoy it. It crushes the spirit from the humans here and every small victory I gain degrades you further. Years ago I would have fought . . . years ago I would have told him I would never give up. Now I cursed him from the back of my mind. He was right every victory he won only brought me lower, took away another small piece of me . . .

_**I've become so numb. . . I can't feel you there, . . become so tired, . . . so much more **_

_**aware . . . I'm becoming this . . . all I want to do, . . . Is be more like me . . . and be less like **_

_**you. . . **_

The andalite warrior in the cage, now trapped in morph, lay almost dead. Another of them had tried to rescue him but had been caught. The eagle in the cage struggled in vain. I tried to gain control of even a hand so I could free the warrior but Esplin clamped down on his control. Esplin interrogated the half-dead warrior. He managed to get up, an amazing feat in the state he was in. He looked from the cage and back to me, or rather the visser.I will tell you nothing Yeerk. He said. I watched as Esplin used my hands to throw the warrior to the Taxxons. The spectacle didn't last long. I wanted to close my eyes, wanted to shudder in disgust but I could not. My hands were stained with the blood of yet another andalite's death. Even if I was ever freed I would never, ever be free of these bloodstained hands. . .

_**And I know I may end up failing too . . . but I know you were just like me with someone disappointed in you . . . **_

Humans. They had been human all along. I never would have guessed it but Esplin's shame was greater than mine. I laughed at him, mocking him. Five human children and an andalite cadet had been the cause of many of his most major failures. I was sure he would punish me later. Play horrible memories and fantasies until I begged for mercy. He would not show any, I knew, but for now nothing could tarnish my mood. I was elated felt something I had not felt in a long time. . . hope.

Be quiet slave. Esplin hissed at me, his voice layered in hate and malicious intent. Or you will be very sorry. I just laughed.

_**I've become so numb. . . I can't feel you there, . . become so tired, . . . so much more **_

_**aware . . . I'm becoming this . . . all I want to do, . . . Is be more like me . . . and be less like **_

_**you. . . .**_

The blade ship prepared to fire on us. Themrash 538, the visser's most loyal lieutenant had been plotting against him all along. We were going to die. I was glad.

Could you be any more depressing? Esplin asked me infuriated.

I'll be free. I said. He said nothing in reply. I was knocked unconscious. In a state of half-awareness I floated and I could hardly believe the voice that said:

Come out now Visser, or we'll cut our way in and yank you out. Esplin began to leave me. I was going to be free! He laughed at me.

You will never be free of me Alloran. And then he was gone. I woke slowly. I saw the aristh that had tried to kill me two and a half years ago smile at me sadly.

Welcome back War-Prince Alloran. he said.

_**I've become so numb . . . I can't feel you there . . .tired of being what you want me to **_

_**be . . . I've become so numb. . . I can't feel you there . . . I'm tired of being what you want me to be.**_


End file.
